Impossible Is A Dare

WHO CARES?

2004-12-13T20:12:00.000-05:00

December 13, 2004. My birthday. 28 years old. Alive. 40 pounds less than I weighed this time last year. Just a couple of words but loaded with more meaning then I could ever explain. I know it’s been a LONG time since the last post, but life really collapsed around me pretty soon after the last post. I guess that shouldn’t surprise me too much given the nature of the post. Nobody ever tells you how much self reflection can hurt. Food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, dysfunctional relationships, video games - all anesthetize the feelings but they also give you something to do besides be with you. Seeing me, feeling me, knowing me and being terrified of not being able to change me was one of the scariest experiences of my life. Also, confronting a history of pain and hurt when every last crutch was removed from my life was the single most difficult challenge of my life. I got thru this period with the support and advice of some pretty incredible friends. I want to record the lessons I’ve learnt and the insights they’ve taken the time to share with me so I will never forget them. I know this blog has stuck pretty much to weight loss and the issues surrounding it, but I think it’s important to record these thoughts. Also, as you know – I don’t think losing weight is about the food or exercise. I think a lot of the issues below get to the heart of achieving self esteem – the only way permanent weight loss ever happens. Being brave enough to say it all and say it out loud has been what’s carried me thru the last year, so here it goes.

Let’s start with Tori Amos. Besides the fact that Tori (who will from now on be referred to as “My Savior”) is the Goddess of depressing music – she also has some great lyrics. First one - “I’ve got enough guilt to start my own religion.” How many of us carry around guilt about everything? Past mistakes. Failed relationships. Those we hurt. Times we couldn’t be the people we wanted to. And how often do we internalize someone else’s hurtful words or unjust accusations? One friend taught me a new mantra which I try to repeat several times a day. Warning – for the eternal people pleasers out there this is going to be a tough one to hear. 2 words. WHO CARES? Appropriate times for this mantra to be recited: when your mom comments on the appropriateness of your dress for a family function. When a friend comments, have you gained a few pounds recently? When you make a mistake, when you realize you didn’t handle a situation the best way you could have. (Not appropriate time – your best friend tells you she’s pregnant and she’s not sure who the father is) WHO CARES isn’t about disregarding other people’s feelings. It’s about not internalizing everyone else’s biases, problems, psychological crap, and limitations. This same friend defined the purpose of life as being happy while helping out others. We shouldn’t walk around hurting people’s feelings or being insensitive. It’s just about not carrying guilt for your flaws and imperfections. Do your best and F&*^ing move on. Don't let other people’s evaluations of you matter more than the ones you have of yourself. Another friend said that the only way we can ever improve ourselves is if we really accept that we’re not perfect. We need to admit failure to achieve success. Stop expecting perfection from ourselves. The natural next step is not expecting that perfection from others.

Sometimes people can get hopeless because they feel like they can never change. We think it’s our destiny to be fat, selfish, mean, lonely etc. Becoming overwhelmed by these emotions is dangerous. We can all change. (don’t worry, I’m still in reality - I have finally accepted I won’t have Misty May’s body.) I first began to learn this lesson exactly one year ago when I started to change my body. But I’m realizing that changing personality traits is a lot harder. But not impossible. We can change those things about ourselves we don’t like. If you’re the kind of person who even wants to try – you’re already better than a whole lot of this world’s population. Props to you. Try and try again and when you’re really at the end of your rope – give it one last shot. To all those friends who have helped me realize this during the last few weeks – thanx for being a role model and showing me what’s possible with a lot of hard work.

Next Tori lyric – “Sometimes, I said sometimes, I hear my voice and it’s been here silent all these years...years go by will I still be waiting for someone else to understand…years go by will I choke on my tears till finally there is nothing left?” Speak up. Stand up for yourself. You’re worth it. And noone else is going to do it for you. Eliminate toxic people from your life. Express your emotions. Keeping it inside is so harmful it’s scary. I’ve spent my life terrified of confrontation. Not knowing how to say “I’m upset with you” in a non-confrontational manner. I’ve also been terrified of others being upset with me. Or annoyed. Sometimes it’s ok for people to be frustrated with you. It will pass. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore or that your friendship is over. Additionally – people aren’t mind readers. Sometimes you just need to ask for what you need. It can be scary and stressful, but it’s really the only way your friends and loved ones can help you. Learn how to ask for what you need.

I think this next point also needs a warning label. May come as a shock to some. Not everything is about you. Really it’s not. Some people don’t know how to be there in the way you need them to be. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. It means they have limitations. It means they’re human. One friend put it best – you need to focus on appreciating what people can give you, not being disappointed in what they can’t. I guess this is related to the point about not expecting perfection from people. I’m not referring to the cheesy sentimental crap about appreciating the good things in your life and be happy you’re not a starving child fighting in a Rwandan army. But really truly seeing the good in people and what they can give you. And accepting it for what it is. Understand that when others fail you or disappoint you it may just be about something they’re going through or about the kind of person they are. Not about something wrong with you.

Listen to others. I think sometimes we think we are, but we’re really not hearing them. We’re not willing to see how things look from someone else’s perspective. We put words in their mouths and we hear what they’re saying how we want to hear it, not how they’re saying it. This doesn’t help anyone and actually causes you a lot more pain than is necessary. If you take your own insecurity and defensiveness out of certain conversations, you may find yourself pleasantly surprised by the outcome. Also, remember that not everyone emotes the same way that you do. They may not express their feelings as outwardly or say what you need when you need to hear it. Spending your life getting angry at this will just make you a bitter and unhappy person. Learn to trust people’s caring and affection and not expect it to come in one specific form.

Not everyone is going to like you. I’m one of those people who needs the cashier at Key Food to have deep affections for me. I think the WHO CARES mantra is related here (It really is the best mantra EVER) I think we need to accept that there are people who are not going to like us and who are not going to like certain qualities about us. People who are not going to be able to treasure the unique things that make us the special people we are. Now first of all you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to get that these people are kinda toxic to be around. You don’t need to spend time with or want to spend time with people who can’t see you for the things that make you special. But I think it’s also important to realize this is in no way an evaluation of you or your worth.

Additionally, not every friendship can work – not necessarily having to do with either person. Some people’s needs and capabilities just aren’t compatible. You may like the person or think they have very valuable qualities, but if they don’t make you feel good about yourself or you don’t like who you are around them, it’s ok to say this is someone I can’t be friends with. It’s also ok not to like people. Ok to say I don’t think this person is deserving of my time and affection. Have enough self worth to allow yourself that right.

On the flip side of this – there are friends who you don’t see often or don’t keep in constant touch with, but who can be there for you in your darkest moments. Not everyone’s view of friendship is consistent contact. But sometimes a friend you haven’t spoken to in a really long time, is the exact thing you need. Reach out, ask for help, it doesn’t show weakness.

I’ve also learnt that if there’s even one person in this world who loves you for who you are and would do anything to help you out, you are the luckiest person in the world. When you have a whole bunch of those people you can get thru any challenge.

And then the last and perhaps most important lesson. Appropriately we end with a Tori quote. “You must learn to stand up for yourself cause I can’t always be around he says when you gonna make up your mind? When *YOU* gonna love you as much as *I *do?” All the friends in the world and all the people seeing your great qualities will never mean anything unless you love yourself. For some of us this is really really hard. Especially if that voice in our head has been constantly telling us how worthless we are. This task is so hard but so worth it. Don’t compare yourself to others. They may seem like the smartest, thinnest or funniest person, but they don’t have all the amazing qualities you do. And even if they did, WHO CARES?

See guyz - I was listening!

Impossible is not loving yourself enough to try – no matter how hard it gets.

Pain

2004-10-25T21:30:00.000-04:00

People often ask me how I can publish a blog with so many personal things written on it. After all, weight loss is such a personal struggle and anyone can see what's written on your blog. Well most of what I write is pretty personal, but in alot of ways I see this blog as liberating. As if somehow it's true that the first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem. I love that I can say I'm overweight and that I'm doing everything I can to change that. But this post is actually going to be a little sad. and perhaps the most revealing so far. (everyone scrolls down in anticipation :)

I want to write about what it feels like to be fat. I've talked about it a little bit. I've alluded to certain hurt feelings or various frustrations. But now I want to just let you get inside my head (SCARY PLACE.) What sparked my latest insightful mood, was of course nothing less than a TV program. In the latest reality TV show created solely to screw with rachel's mind, we are introduced to a weight loss contest. "The Biggest Loser" stars 12 people of varying weights divided into 2 teams. They spend something like 5 hours each day in the gym, while eating not so much. At the end of the week they weigh in and whichever team has lost the least amount of cumulative weight, has to vote someone off their team in Survivor fashion.

I will not get into my thoughts on the TV show. It certainly doesn't promote the healthiest weight loss system and I'm not reassured that anyone on the program will actually keep off any of the weight they lose. But that's not what I want to focus on here. What moved me were all the individual stories that every person told about their experiences as an overweight person and why they wanted to lose weight. These kinds of stories still get to me and of course I spent like the whole hour crying. At one point during the show, one of the women broke down. She had eaten very little that day and had worked out for some 5 hours and she just broke. Crying hysterically for every reason and for no reason at all. And I've never sympathized with anyone as much as I sympathized with that woman.

I understood what it felt like to be done. I understood how every taunt you've ever gotten, every person who's judged you based on your looks, every moment your clothes no longer fit you, every time you ate to erase all the crappy feelings - can come together in one moment and feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulder. Here is someone who has the guts to wear a bathing suit on national television and get weighed (HELLO! did they DRUG these people before the show?!?!?!?) This is someone willing to confront her obesity. Yet she had no idea what that meant. No understanding of the kind of work it would require. I get that. I get that eating right and exercising are such a small part of the battle. I get that crushing emotional burden where all of the sudden it's just too much. And it isn't fair. It's not fair that skinny girls in size 2 jeans don't work anywhere near as hard as I do. It's not fair that they'll never know how it feels.

So let's talk about how it feels. Let's talk about all of your friends going shopping for clothes and feeling silly that you can't join in the quintessential "girl" activity cuz you know nothing in a regular size clothing store will fit you.

Let's talk about watching the movie Shallow Hal ("deep" Gwenyth Paltrow film about some shallow guy who learns the importance of looking at people's insides when falling in love) with friends and feeling like your entire personal emotional trauma is out there for people to see. Feeling totally humiliated as each minute moves on, but feeling powerless to walk out and leave lest people think you're crazy. I felt like that movie was my life story and felt totally exposed. People were laughing at the jokes - and I was like there is NOTHING funny about this movie. And for the record, overweight people DO NOT eat huge wedges of cake and gulp milkshakes while noone is watching.

Let's talk about people who think they can comment on your weight. Friends, relatives, whoever. People who would never confront an alcoholic or a drug addict in the same way. Talk about people who tell you to your face to just get your stomach stapled (that ACTUALLY happened - and he wasn't my doctor) Obesity is the one disease that it's still PC to mock. It's ok to make fat jokes. I heard there was a study done amongst undergraduates where students actually said they'd rather date a recovered drug addict or an ex convict, than an overweight person.

Let's talk about the self esteem that induces.

Let's talk about, as M put it the other day, not even being in the game. What do I mean by that? Always sitting on the sidelines while everyone else talks about being in relationships. Being overlooked and not counted simply because you're overweight. By men, by your friends, by society. I listen to some of my friends talk about their dating experiences and I think, do you know how lucky you are? Just once I would love someone to care about me that much, to cherish me that much to do something so nice for me.

Let's talk about internalizing society's message that you're not good enough, valuable enough or worthy enough simply because of how much you weigh. How no matter what else you do or how many accomplishments you achieve, they will never ever matter. Because they all pale in comparison to the number one thing that defines you.

Let's talk about close male friends who make comments about dating thin women. Who talk about women's bodies and how that's the measuring stick they use for finding people attractive. Couldn't believe it when T and M told me their own stories. Thought it was only me. Yes we're all good friends. Yes we care about you and want to hear about your lives. And no we don't want to date you. But HELLO - can you not see how it's offensive to mention that something which we feel so insecure about is a quality that takes people out of your dating possibilities? When any of my friends (male or female) says to me, I feel like I'm never going to find a boy/girl friend and I reassure them - of course you will - you're like the best person ever! There's no reason why anyone wouldn't date you - I actually sincerely mean that about each and every one of them. I wouldn't be friends with them if I didn't think that highly of them. Yet I wonder when some of these friends say that to me, do they really mean it? I feel like not so much.

People say to me, why do you work out so hard? Why do you push yourself to the point of exhaustion? What's your impatience with the weight loss - it will happen when it happens. What they don't understand is that when you've lived your life feeling left out, feeling second class, feeling somehow LESS THAN everyone else - you can't wait for all that to change. You feel empowered to feel good about yourself and you know that feeling is right around the corner - how can you not do everything in your power to reach that goal? Honestly, desperation is the only word I can think of to properly convey that emotion.

I will lose 100 pounds. I will achieve my goals. But I will never EVER forget how that woman on TV felt. Impossible is spending the rest of your life not loving who you are.

thanx for listening
-Rachel

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-10-11T16:12:00.000-04:00

I run three miles. Hi my name is Rachel and I can run three miles. Ok, maybe it's more like jog. But I can most definitely do something which is quicker than walking. And I can do it for 45 minutes. and I've moved 3 miles when I'm done. WOW. I can't help but reflect on how I used to be afraid of the elliptical machine. How the gym and everyone inside it intimidated me. It continually amazes me how much we have inside us. It's like the Nike ad says, "you're faster than you think." You are so much more than you think and you can do so much more than you imagine. I never understood why people who aren't fat exercise. What's the point? (one could argue that's WHY they're not fat :) Why run a marathon? Why push yourself so hard? I finally get it. There's something about beating your time. Something about going an extra mile. Doing something you didn't think you could do last week. Something you know you couldn't do last year. When you're done with a workout you know you pushed yourself. You didn't let yourself down. You gave it all you could. It's intoxicating. (Really I promise! This stuff is BETTER than Ben and Jerry's)

So can I have a HELL YEAH for surviving the Jewish holidays? Everyone out there who turned down just one matzo ball or a second helping of potato kugel at even one meal - PROPS TO YOU. This year was tough. 3 sets of 3 day holidays. That's just WRONG. That's G-d laughing at New Year's resolutions. I think about the contrast between this holiday and Passover last year. I was so in the zone this month. I didn't freak out. I overate on occasion, but so much less than usual. I came to realize that when you view yourself as dieting or you don't believe in yourself enough to be convinced that you've actually made permanent changes in your life - everything is scary. Is this the holiday that I revert back to my old eating habits? Will this party be the time I pig out and feel sick afterward? When you come to trust yourself and truly enjoy a healthier lifestyle, you know you're in this for the long haul. You may overeat. You may have a sugar binge. But you know it won't last. You know that gaining a pound or two isn't a crisis. Life is just simpler. Eating healthy is more straightforward. You believe you matter enough to keep doing this because being healthy is that important to you. You deserve to feel good about yourself.

Don't be alarmed - it's still Rachel here. Had my share of MINOR nervous breakdowns since last post. Life is stressful - teaching started and preparing for 7 classes hasn't been a party. My schedule is all over the place and I feel very unanchored. Went home for the holidays - UNWISE move. Stressed me out and forced me to face some tough issues. But I realized that for the very first time in the whole wide world I didn't use food to deal with my issues. It was really tough and it made me realize how well food was working as an anesthetic. Feelings - real feelings - can be pretty hard core. It seems all I do these days is feel :) So it's hard. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible (not really a word we're allowed to use anymore) But I hold on to the knowledge that I achieve new fitness goals daily. My post Australia skinny jeans just about zip on me. I can freaking RUN. I am in control.

Maybe I took on a little too much of everything at once. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. But I know that I'm coming out of this stronger. I know that the Rachel at the end of this journey is the one that has been hiding out for too long. I owe a tremendous thank you to everyone who posts comments on this site and to all of my friends who support me on a daily basis. To everyone who understands how hard this journey is and lets me know it's ok to be self absorbed and take care of me. I've learnt so much along the way. I've learnt that people in alot better shape than me have challenges and have to push themselves. I love hearing stories about how it's hard for them - it makes me realize that being in shape is a commitment and a challenge for everyone. I've learnt about not being a perfectionist. I've learnt alot about being human. But most importantly I think I'm finally realizing just how much transforming yourself involves alot more than lowering a number on a scale.

Impossible is not losing 100 pounds.

Rachel

HELL YEAH

2004-09-22T22:59:00.000-04:00

As per my fitness guru’s command, it appears my next post is overdue.
SO…

First of all I have to say a big shout out to the lurkers who have posted comments. It helps me to hear your words of support and today I actually said, “I can’t cut my WW meeting if I’m supposed to be an inspiration!”

It seems kinda silly to post anymore because it basically feels like everything is just cycles and that any feelings I have are something I’ve felt recently and already posted about. Like the blog is just getting repetitive. But I think it’s important to write how I’ve been feeling and recently I’ve had a rough time, so let’s do it.

Here are some excerpts from a random IM convo I had recently. It speaks to how it feels sometimes.

Bshtark: I am SO trying my hardest to focus on the positive
Bshtark: i went to the gym yesterday even though i didn't want to
Bshtark: I'm trying to just do the best that i can even though I feel kinda sad
Bshtark: and i know that I've accomplished a lot but sometimes it's actually easier to feel satisfied with where you are when you haven't even gotten out there at all
Bshtark: once you make changes and start improving you realize how much there is to be and do
Bshtark: for the first time in your life
Bshtark: and it's sad for a lot of reasons
Bshtark: because you can get discouraged
Bshtark: because you realized how unhappy you were for so long
Bshtark: and didn't do anything about it
Bshtark: and because you're losing a part of who you were for so long
Bshtark: all tough battles

Another insight – there will always be moments that suck. What I mean by that is I’ve realized that having a bad workout or overeating happens to everyone. Everyone. There will be times when you feel like crap about yourself, when you don’t want to go to the gym, when you know with absolute certainty that you are the most obese person on the planet. When other stresses take over and you JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE LOSING WEIGHT ANYMORE. It’s ok to feel that way. It’s ok to take some time off. It’s ok to falter. The key is remembering it won’t always feel this way. Kind of like breaking up with someone. It sucks and it sometimes feels like you’ll never meet anyone else and you’ll never be happy again. But the truth is you will. And you need to let yourself feel sad and get over it but know in the back of your mind that it will get better. Really believe that even if you can’t see it now, it does get better than this. When you’re discouraged or don’t have the motivation, just do the best you can and wait it out. It will get better. That’s what the last week has been for me.

Life was kinda sucking. A lot of stuff was going on in my life. I couldn’t get myself to go to the gym and care about my diet. I was so upset. Nothing was helping. I tried to turn to food to feel better. It didn’t work. I guess that’s good news. I realized pretty quickly that I had learned that food wasn’t the answer. What an achievement. But I gotta say being upset sucks. Didn’t want to go to the gym this week. Didn’t want to drink water or eat vegetables. Half the week was holidays where it felt like all I did was eat. I thought my weigh in this week would be a disaster. I DID NOT want to go to WW. I made myself go (thanx RS) and I only gained .4. Helped me see that even when it feels like I’m overeating all the time - that term means something very different than it used to.

Before my meeting I said to someone I really didn’t want to come this week. I had to force myself. And she said to me, you have to come! I’m so glad you did. You’re one of the main reasons I come to this meeting. HOW AWESOME? Meeting was great. Pumped me up again. There was a woman there who I’d never seen before and was so overweight. She got her 75 pound magnet today. I’m like YOU GO GIRL. Then there was one of my WW inspirations who reached her goal today and became a lifetime member. She brought her old pants in with her and said she was going to throw them out today. I of course started tearing up in the middle of the meeting. Went to the gym and had such a great workout. Couldn’t stop smiling. I was all HELL YEAH. My body moves. And it feels so good.

I guess the biggest lesson I’ve learnt from this setback is that it’s ok to ask for support. It’s ok to need people. I’ve spent most of my life being there for everyone else’s issues. Listening to their problems. Giving advice. I guess another one of those random benefits of my work on my self these last few months, has been realizing that it’s ok to make myself a priority sometimes. I’ve a little bit been making up for the last 27 years in the last few months - sorry to all those friends who have been getting the brunt of this :)

I’m back on track and I’m FEELING it…

“Play the game, you know you can't quit until it's won
Soldier on, only you can do what must be done…
Just once in his life a man has his time, and my time is Now, I'm coming alive!”

St. Elmo’s Fire

I do in fact totally rock

2004-09-13T13:58:00.000-04:00

okay - so as RE says, it's important to check in even when you're having a bad time. So let's talk about bad times. Let's talk about how it isn't always easy. and how losing weight is really a drag on occasion. How it seems like everyone thinner than you never goes to the gym and eats so much more than you. How it's entirely possible to gain 2.8 pounds in one week yet almost impossible to lose that in a week. How you can lose 30 pounds and still feel tremendous in your own skin. How losing 100 pounds seems more daunting than just about any other challenge on the planet. How jealous you are of every skinny person on the subway and every person who doesn't obsess about what they're eating. How you can change all you want, but if your body isn't changing as fast as your mind, you feel extremely frustrated.

Right so in theory maybe I feel that way sometimes. Entirely theoretical of course. But I'm feeling good right now so it's time to focus on the positive. Today's project is to focus on my accomplishments in the last 8 months - a little "props to Rachel" if you will. I've grown alot and had quite a few NSV (non-scale victories) as we say in WW. I think it's important to focus on ways I've changed and the amazing results that I've gotten from eating well and exercising - beyond the number of pounds I weigh.

so...let's begin

I am in the best shape I have ever been, in my ENTIRE life. I've started running and slowly but surely I am increasing my time. I actually love running. It's so hard and it's so intense and there are moments when I think wow I just CAN'T. and then I remember that that word has been exorcised from my vocabulary. Was commiserating with RS about how annoying it is that the cardio machines can only be programmed up to an hour - how sad is that? As far as I'm concerned, you have achieved fitness geek status at that point. Though my favorite moment this week was the point where I found out the gym was now open until 10 on weekends. This of course meant I could work out on Saturday nights - after Shabbat - even before the clocks are turned back. Does it get any more exciting?? and as I was at the gym sat night at 9:30 and it was EMPTY I had that feeling I usually get at the gym early Sunday morning. It's just you and your heart pumping. and you realize that you're hard core. That the difference between you and the people who complain they're fat but don't lose weight is that you're putting in 110%. I looked outside at all the people getting ready for their nights out and I was like I'm running right now. I'm in here working out and you're not. Such a high.

I've made real changes in how I eat. I don't enjoy being stuffed to the point where it feels uncomfortable. RE said to me last week that one week of weight gain is irrelevant - what matters is the trend over months. So I took out my WW card and realized that I've lost most weeks that I've been on the program. But more importantly, with one exception, I've never gained 2 weeks in a row. When I see a gain I realize what I've done wrong, I know how to correct it, and I jump into action. I know what I need to do to lose weight effectively and I know how to not slip into a bad pattern of continuously destuctive behavior.

I went shopping last week and for the first time ever I purchased clothes that made me feel great. I didn't buy them just because they fit, but because I thought, wow these make me look great! Probably the first time in like EVER that I felt that way. I a little bit was crying in the changing room (emotional basket case - table for 1 please)

It really is the little things - I got dressed fri night and looked in the mirror, said I feel like I look fat in this and then I changed. While that may not seem like a big deal, it's actually kinda huge. The fact that I had enough self esteem to imagine that I COULD look better in something else was a real change. I actually spend quite a few moments these days looking in the mirror and kinda liking what I see. Weird.

What else?

I've learned to say thank you. When someone compliments my appearance I don't deflect they're compliment or say things like well I have 70 more pounds to go. I say thank you for noticing and giving me a compliment. I appreciate your support. That's it. REALLY hard lesson.

I've learned to really appreciate my friends - for their kind words, for being supportive, for being behind me 100% and for understanding that this process is about alot more than physical transformation - thanx for letting me be a bit "emotionally versatile" at times.

I'm happier, I comfort other people at WW meetings who say things like, "I've lost weight but I don't see it on myself and I feel like why bother even losing weight," I talk about my feelings instead of holding them inside and eating instead, I spend alot of time working on feeling good about myself. I've realized that I want to take care of myself because I'm SO worth it.

I guess it's like the rest of life - it's a process. I'm quite possibly the most impatient person around but impatience and weight loss are not good partners. It took me 27 years to gain the weight, gonna have to be a little more patient...the changes I've made are permanent so this is real life. Life isn't going anywhere. I love the new me.

-Rachel

I'm inspired

2004-08-29T15:28:00.000-04:00

Just had the most inspiring day since project lose 100 pounds began. I know I have a proclivity for hyperbole but I actually really mean that. I have totally found the secrets to happiness, success and achievement and have raced home to write them down. As a source of inspiration of course but more importantly, so I can read it tomorrow when I’m convinced that 70 more pounds is too large of an obstacle to overcome.

Ok – let’s start with 6 am which is when I woke up. Haven’t been sleeping much lately (overtraining again? INTENSE anxiety about the upcoming year job wise? who knows?) Remembered that RS was running in a half marathon in Central Park and decided that since I was up I might as well go get inspired. Little did I know how amazing it would be. First of all, it’s hard to explain the vibe of a road race unless you’re there. Tons of people going all out pushing themselves their hardest. People passing by cheering them on and putting a smile on their weary faces. People of all shapes, sizes and fitness levels. A whole other culture of people who love fitness and take pride in pushing their bodies as hard as they can – even at 7 in the morning. It’s difficult to put in words the pride and look of accomplishment of each person as they ran past the finish line (except of course for the people who were being helped by medical personnel, but I digress) Needless to say, I was ready to run the marathon right then. Chatted with RS afterward and spent a lot of time thinking today about where I am and where I want to be. And I’m ready to share my wisdom with you. Here goes.

1) One of my favorite songs is Sunscreen by Baz Luhrman (lyrics can be found at: http://www.lyricsnet.net/lyrics.php?id=17) My favorite line is “You are not as fat as you imagine.” How true is that? How many times do we look back at HS pictures – a time when we felt like the fattest person on the PLANET and say, “wow I wished I weighed that much now.” What does this have to do with the half marathon? I realized today that we absolutely have to stop saying any sentence that starts with the words “when I lose weight…” We shouldn’t start working out only when we lose weight. We shouldn’t shop for nice clothes only when we lose weight. We shouldn’t date only when we lose weight. We shouldn’t treat ourselves with self respect only WHEN WE LOSE WEIGHT. I can’t explain to you how impressed I was with the people I saw at mile 8 who really were not so much in the size 2 category. (or frankly even in the size 16) They were tired. They were hurting. But they were running. Or walking. Or doing whatever they could do. Everyone can do something. You can’t run for 5 minutes? Fine, but you can certainly walk for that long! I love the Nike ad that’s out right now. “You are faster than you think.” It’s so true. We don’t know our abilities until we try. Just get out there and try. In my mind success is NOT being able to go faster than you think. Because you know you can do it all and challenge yourself over and over.

2) Which brings me to my second point which is really kind of a 1b. No more excuses about how other people are more talented. The athletes who are successful or who you see strutting their stuff down 5th Avenue come marathon Sunday, are not there because they’re skinnier than you. They aren’t successful because they have better genes, smaller body frames or a fairy godmother who simply likes them better. They're there because they work hard. Really hard. Never say you can’t. You have the exact same determination, focus and will to succeed as any of them. You just use it for different things. Ever pulled an all-nighter to ace an orgo exam? Spent years learning to play an instrument? Somehow managed to convince your parents that you weren’t sleeping with your boyfriend when you went home to visit on Thanksgiving? Everything is possible. Each and every one of us has the ability to push our bodies harder. The only thing about me that’s changed in 7 months is that I applied my competitive, hard working personality in a different way. The results? Priceless. The other big lesson in this category is that even the most in shape people struggle and have to push themselves. The two people I knew in the race were pretty wiped when it finished. One said, “after the first few miles I wanted to quit.” Even though it may look easy and effortless to some, it really never is. The difference is just about being willing to give it your all. It sounds like an easy lesson but to be honest I never got it. I always thought that once you were in shape it was kinda just like going for a stroll. You run 20 miles, no big deal. Seeing RS after the race I understood, it’s really never easy. Degree of difficulty may vary, but everyone is summoning up their inner strength on race day. I’ll end with the magnet on my fridge, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt.

3) This lesson is all RS. We’re chatting after the race and he says, “I feel great. I’m really psyched I beat my time from last year.” Talking with us is someone else who is older and started running more recently than RS. His time was a few minutes quicker. RS never thought to compare their times or to say wow it’s not fair I should be faster than him. It was all about his personal best. Where is your personal best? And I don’t just mean at the gym. Where were you mentally last year? Emotionally? For me, at this time last year I was in a bad place. Terrified to admit that I had let myself gain so much weight and feeling helpless to do anything about it. Today I looked in the mirror before I got in the shower and said all that stuff on my stomach isn’t gross fat. It’s potential energy. It’s what I’m gonna burn when I get on the treadmill tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. (can we talk about how that is perhaps the single most healthy thing I have ever said in my life?!?!?!) That may be a bit extreme, but you get the idea. Do something today so that on August 29, 2005, you can say I’m faster, higher, stronger (It’s all about the Citius, Altius, Fortius – ok no more Olympics for Rachel) The only yardstick you should ever use is you.

Ready for the plan? Gonna take the age old advice about setting a goal when you’re feeling pumped and motivated. 10K race in Central Park on Sunday Dec 12th. The day before my birthday, pretty much the one year anniversary of my weight loss project and enough time to become even more of the buffest person ever…anyone else in? :)

Thank goodness the Olympic closing ceremony is tonight – I really couldn’t devote any more of my life to watching! One final inspirational story –Walter Hermann - from the Argentinean gold medal winning basketball team. A year ago his mother, sister and girlfriend all died in a car accident. This year, Argentina wins the South American Basketball championships and that night Hermann comes home to find out his dad has died of a heart attack. Yesterday he and his team come out and win only the second gold medal Argentina had ever gotten and he’s one of the leading forces behind that victory. Wow.

Oh and I almost forgot – a little addition to the last post – props to RS and GBD for getting me the Lance bracelet – without you I would be the saddest person ever…

Impossible is so never me again

Rachel

Ronen - this one is for you...

2004-08-26T07:01:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, Lance Armstrong has been my hero for quite some time. Recently he won his 6th Tour de France and has started a fundraising campaign for his Cancer Foundation. He has started selling yellow rubber bracelets with the words LiveStrong written on them. He writes,

"Yellow wakes me up in the morning.
Yellow gets me on the bike every day.
Yellow has taught me the true meaning of sacrifice.
Yellow makes me suffer.
Yellow is the reason I’m here.
Before cancer I just lived. Now I live strong."

These bracelets are becoming ubiquitous – everyone from George Bush to the gold medal Olympic beach volleyball players are wearing them. They’re back ordered on every website and they seem to have struck a chord with people from all walks of life. Had dinner with RE the other night and he said that they’ve become too popular and kinda trite. True fans like him and me shouldn’t wear them because we’ve loved Lance for years and the bracelet is really just a fad. I told him what wearing the bracelet means to me:

It is a constant physical reminder of my dedication and commitment to pushing my limits every day. Yellow represents waking up at 6 am to go to the gym even on those mornings when all you want to do is sleep and it’s still dark outside. It symbolizes pushing myself to my absolute physical limits each time I enter the gym. It lets me know that intense introspection and learning about myself, no matter how hard it may seem, are the only paths to true success. Yellow reminds me that pushing the envelope goes way beyond life in the gym. Living a challenging lifestyle is about getting out of your comfort zone. Taking a trip that you know will be difficult and force you to call upon resources you honestly had no idea you had. Yellow represents walking on the Great Wall of China. Persevering even when it was 100 degrees and I was pretty certain there was no way I was going to finish the hike. These Olympics, athletes from all countries are wearing the bracelet. Are they all such huge cancer supporters? Perhaps. I think the bigger message for them is a physical connection to a man who has shown the true meaning of hard work and commitment to a goal. Winning the Tour De France so convincingly year after year isn’t just the result of hours on a bike. It’s about practicing ascending up a mountain 10 times more after everyone else has gone home. They get it. I get it too. When I look at my bracelet, I identify with Lance, with Kerry Walsh and Maurice Greene. The 30 seconds of Olympic glory that you witness on TV represent hours, days, months and years of pushing ones self mentally and physically. Missing out on time with your friends, parties and special occasions because you are relentlessly pursuing your goals. Of envisioning yourself crossing the finishing line first when really no one else is convinced you can do it. When I lose 100 pounds it will be no less of an accomplishment than winning an Olympic medal. It will be the culmination of 20 years of struggle and pain and it will be the direct result of my work and dedication. Until then, I have my bracelet to remind me of just how far I’ve come. So maybe it is a little hackneyed and maybe all those people walking down the street with bracelets don’t quite get it. But I do and for now that’s all that matters.

That’s pretty much it for the update on my life. Had a WW meeting last night and I didn’t gain or lose any weight. Disappointing for a bit but I realized that I basically had gone from exercising 6 hours a day to sitting at home and not even able to go to the gym until Sunday. Body’s just adjusting and at least I didn’t gain any weight. I think I’ve actually started to internalize the fact that the number on the scale really is just a number and not a value judgment on who I am as a person. It sounds so obvious but I think it’s a lesson I’m just now learning. Going to the gym for the first time in 2 months made me realize how much my body has improved. How much stronger and fit I’ve become. I realized my body wasn’t letting me down and that I had finally learned to appreciate it for what it could do, not hate it for what it looked like.

Ran into another trainer from my gym on the subway yesterday. Hot buff guy who really seems more concerned with his biceps then say world peace. But had a really good conversation with him and realized that there was actually a lot more to him than I realized. R is right – I really am as superficial as I accuse other people of being. Really working on that. Not easy.

Back to watching the Olympics – seriously considering taking up table tennis to get myself at the next ones…

-Rachel

2004-08-22T15:32:00.000-04:00

I’M BACK!!!!! Yes, judy there is finally another post up here. Sorry, but traveling in the middle of nowhere was actually a perfect excuse not to obsess and focus on weight loss. And guess what? I lost weight anyway! We’re up to 30 pounds (or is that down?) I can’t even tell you what a great idea it was to get away from the routine of the gym and Weight Watchers meetings and obsessing over a scale. I realized while I was away that many of my behaviors had actually changed. I would drink soda but I would have a few sips and throw the rest away. I walked miles every day and challenged myself to do things I never thought I could. It was amazing how much more self confidence I have. Really believing I could do things that in the past I never would have tried. The whole point of this trip was to prove to myself what I could do and boy did it work. I’m pretty unstoppable. I’ve said it before but I think it’s worth reiterating – learning to stop saying “I can’t” is the most important step toward achieving your weight loss goals. Then it all of the sudden shows up in other aspects of your life. I am a different person than I was 7 months ago.

So much has happened in the last week since I’ve been back I don’t even know where to begin. Probably most important is several convos with RS. R is good looking which is only relevant to this story to show that pretty much everyone is insecure. So he’s telling me that he feels he’s been judged his whole life by his looks and people think there really isn’t more to him. That he’s started to define himself by the way he looks. Can we just repeat that line please? Defining ourselves by our looks? I’m like hello!! I do the exact same thing. Amazing the things you can have in common with very different people. Talking with him helped me realize that my Weight Watchers leader is probably so right – we judge ourselves so much more harshly than anyone else does. I’ve come to define myself by my weight and while there are those who look at me differently because of how I look, I think others are able to see a lot more about me than just my appearance. I also think that we become very self absorbed and downright unfriendly when we become so wrapped up in ourselves and our neurosis. Life really isn’t just about how we look. I left that conversation understanding that I’ve spent my life developing a fun, funny, compassionate personality. When I accomplish my goal of losing 100 pounds I will be the epitome of fabulous! Also really appreciated his words of encouragement. Telling me that it’s really brave to face my weight issues so openly. It has been a struggle to face my demons and my inner shame at being so overweight for so long and I know that the largest battle has been honesty – far more than exercise or diet.

Then there’s this past weekend. REALLY intense. Had a Shabbat meal with someone about to get gastric bypass surgery. Someone younger than me. It was difficult to hear stories about how this woman felt she had been mocked and shamed as an overweight person. Truly awful things like kids on the subway making comments to her. One said to his mom, “that girl is looking at me, she wants to steal my sandwich.” How heartbreaking is that? She talked about what it was like to binge and eat several entire cakes and pies and pans of chicken and I realized that even I didn't understand what that was like. It made me sad that she felt so hopeless. I think it goes back to what I said before - such a sad part of being obese is feeling that you have no control and you really can’t do anything about it. I wish her all the best but I have a feeling that surgery is avoiding the real problems.

Also spent this Shabbat with DJ who really messed up her knee dancing at a wedding last week. All kinds of torn ligaments and a scary looking brace. Worrying about whether or not she’ll need surgery. I realized how really lucky I am to be able to work out and that even though I have obstacles and frustrations – it really could be so much worse. I know that sounds sorta trite but really all it takes to shut you up when you’re whining about some pain is seeing someone pretty much struggling to walk.

I came back with a sore lower back and spent last week miserable that I couldn’t go to the gym. I was really a little depressed. ED gave some great advice – she said that you can’t judge your progress or evaluate where you are emotionally based on the one or two bad days you’re gonna have. How far you’ve come and how much you’ve changed since January doesn’t change because you feel discouraged right now. It sounds so simple. But she’s so right. Today was awesome! I went back to the gym for the first time in 2 months and had an incredible workout. It was really unbelievable. I thought I would be slower because it had been so long and cuz I’d been in pain. But it was the opposite. I felt ALIVE in a way that I can’t really describe. I was happy. I was home. I’m sure people were looking at me like I’m on crack. I was just enjoying my music and the feeling of my heart racing and had the dopiest grin on my face. How far had I come that I experienced true joy from being back at the gym?

Currently I spend entirely too much time watching the Olympics. You know you've gotten a little out of hand when you walk around saying things like, isn't it amazing that Paul Hamm got an 9.837 on his last 2 rotations? and expect everyone to know what you're talking about. Spent last night with A,M and D watching swimming, diving and track. Between mouthfuls of pizza we really couldn't stop commenting on everyone's bodies and how envious we were. I mean, I think it's a problem that I spend more time watching beach volleyball than your average 14 year old boy. It's not my fault! Those bikinins!! Have you seen their insane abs and their ridiculously toned arms?!?!? ok I'm back. But seriously, these people spend their entire lives working out and practicing at levels we can't even begin to comprehend. Watching the Olympics reminds me that anything is possible with enough hard work and determination. And that nothing worth getting is easy.

For now I spend my time watching the Olympics, fantasizing about crossing the finishing line in the NYC marathon and reminding myself that a journey of 1,000 miles really does begin with one hour on the elliptical machine. The next major goal is 50 pounds – 20 pounds to go and I think major celebrating is in order. We’re this close – send me all the loser vibes you can!

-Rachel

one week to go....

2004-07-01T13:15:00.001-04:00

ok - it's about one week until the big trip begins. Trying to get everything sorted out before I leave and taking care of various errands. It's been a crazy few weeks and I guess I've kinda put weight loss on the back burner. (If by back burner I mean I ate 2 pints of ice cream. Just FYI here - you MUST try Ben and Jerry's oatmeal cookie. Just a small piece of heaven here on earth...)and go figure - I was down 1.6 pounds at my WW meeting wed night. No complaining here...

Let's see, what sort of deep insights do I have to share this week? Well, at last week's weight watchers meeting - had perhaps the most intense moment EVER. (I really do use too many superlatives) Basically we were talking about whether or not society judges and condemns us. My leader insisted they don't. That we're our harshest critics. And I'm like sweetie, that is jut NOT true. Society is all about condemning the overweight. It's practically society's sole mission in life! People judge me all the time. Write me off. Deem me unattractive. It's no wonder I have no self worth. One or two other women in the meeting backed me up. Then one woman stands up, looks directly at me (no joke!) and says, "I have cerebral palsy. People often look at me since I walk funny. But I don't let them bother me. I learned a long time ago that you can't worry about what other people think. You need to focus only on yourself. You should realize how beautiful and healthy and vivacious you are. I wish I could be like that." And then she promptly burst into tears. Now I understand that she meant well. and that there was a value to attempting to internalize what she said. But people, how much lower does it get than causing a woman with cerebral palsey to cry!?!?! Definitely made me feel like about the nicest person on earth - NOT!!! But alot of people echoed her sentiment. It seemed many of these women really had learned to actually like themselves no matter what weight they were at. wow. I am in envy. People came over to me after class to tell me how much they enjoyed my presence at meetings and my personality. that I had alot to be proud of and shouldn't feel down on myself. This week even, a quiet shy woman came over to me and said, you have such presence and confidence when you speak in meetings, I don't understand how you don't feel good about yourself! Am I the only one here who feels unattractive? Am I the only one who equates her self worth with a number on the scale? Who thinks that everyone else is thinking the same thing? Why can't I get it? Everyone keeps saying the mental changes come before the physical ones. I don't know. I really don't think I'll be happy until the weight is off. But I'm trying to see another perspective...

Have I mentioned the latest trainer drama? Calling me while he was drunk, flaking and not showing up to a session cuz he was having issues with his boyfriend? Why me, I ask. WHY ME? How hard is it to find a trainer who doesn't have issues? I'm thinking it might be time to move on from the trainer arena...

In others news, met someone at the gym who lost 120 pounds. Now this woman was SOO tiny. Short, petite and so NOT fat. She was wearing a tanktop and her arms looked awesome. I would have never guessed she spent a day of her life as an overweight person. Turns out she had lost all this weight and was totally a fellow gym addict. It was a really incredible experience for me because I was able to really see what the end product can look like. Having been so overweight for so much of my life, I don't really know what the end goal looks like. How skinny feels. What it means to feel good about yourself and your appearance. I was never thin so I can't say oh if only i could get back to the weight i was then - because then I felt good about myself. That weight just doesn't exist for me. Seeing this woman really inspired me. It IS possible to entirely change your appearnace - and not just in an Extreme Makeovers sort of way. She gave me her success tips and inspired me on a day when I was feeling kinda blah, but most importantly her presence gave me a clear vision of the goal I was working toward.

anyway - that's all for now. Still in the battle - fighting my hardest. The next goal - leaving the world of morbid obesity and achieving plain old regular obesity. Repeat after me - I will be obese I will be obese...
Rachel

2004-06-20T20:23:00.000-04:00

ok ok I'm still alive! sorry, I know it's been way too long, but the way I see it, it's a good thing that I've been too busy to write. Means I'm busy living my rocking life. I'm feeling great and I've decided to have a whole new attitude. I've spent too much of my life obsessing about how thin everyone else is and wishing I could be someone else. Instead of looking enviously at people who can eat what they want and stay thin, I've decided to focus on the fact that for 27 years I ate whatever I wanted and only became as heavy as I did. For other people that number is 300, 400 or 500 pounds. Whenever I read the weightwatchers boards I realize how many people are struggling just to reach the weight I started from. So, turns out I'm pretty damn lucky :) I sometimes struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I often wonder what it will feel like to actually reach a goal of 100 pounds lost, but I don't focus on how far away that is or how hard that seems. Instead I kinda keep plugging away at my new healthier habits and I marvel at the real changes that have developed in my lifestyle. How food is no longer central and how for the most part I honestly am no longer tempted to overeat just for the sake of eating.

Come to think of it, I think the reason I've been posting less and less, is because I've started to actually internalize the lesson that the number on the scale really only is a number. I've given my trainer my scale for safekeeping and I only weigh myself once a week at meetings. I've lost 27 pounds, my clothes are swimming on me and I feel great. But I think more importantly I've begun to realize that what's on the inside needed alot of work too. Someone once told me that it's actually a gift that weight loss comes so slowly, because it would be pretty traumatic to wake up one day 100 pounds lighter. My initial response? SHOW ME THE TRAUMA! But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how right she was. Losing a large amount of weight is about reinvisioning yourself. It's about seeing yourself as an attractive person. About feeling like you have a right to feel pretty. and look in the mirror more than once. and attract men (SOOO not there yet :) I don't think I'm ready yet to feel good about how I look. It honestly requires AS MUCH hard work as the weight loss itself. In fact, it's almost easier to eat right and exercise than it is to say to yourself, I deserve to be treated well. If a guy is interested in me that doesn't mean there's something wrong with him. In case you haven't guessed - recently had a bit of a fling with a guy - long story don't ask. It's over now, but I gotta say - it was flattering. But it also brought with it a whole lot of questions. Things I needed to face about myself and about how I felt I deserved to be treated. (ie. not very well :) Don't worry - I'm not too discouraged. Like the physical changes, it can be a slow process - but I'm so on my way...

In other news, 3 weeks from today I'm leaving on a jet plane...off to Beijing and my TransSiberian railway dream vacation. 5 weeks of insanity and adventure. Can't wait...

-Rachel

2004-05-29T20:16:00.000-04:00

So, where have I been? Good question. Let’s just say – it’s been an intense two weeks. I think it’s important to document the good times as well as the bad, so even though I’ve been kinda in denial/avoidance I’m back and ready to fess up.

I’m not really sure what happened. One day I had lost 23.6 pounds at my Weight Watchers meeting and literally the next day I was in the depths of despair. Oddly, at first, I didn’t even want to eat. Which was tough, cuz I was really upset but since I no longer used food to feel better, I had nothing to cheer me up. That eventually changed and I embarked upon a 2 week period where I regressed to awful old eating habits. To be fair, my life was completely stressed out and intense and there were tons of things going on. And I did maintain my rigid gym schedule for most of the time and never really gave up on my commitment to exercise. But the food thing just came and took me by surprise. I think what got me was the feeling that it didn’t matter how much I’d lost, I was still fat. When you have 100 pounds to lose, 23 pounds seems so little. Achieving that much had taken so much work and effort and struggle. And when I looked in the mirror, I still saw someone totally obese. So that was the beginning of my downward spiral. And then came Shavuot – the Jewish holiday whose sole purpose is to cause me to consume large quantities of cheesecake. Not joking about that one by the way – the single most distinguishable feature about this holiday is the eating of dairy products. And by dairy products I do NOT mean fat free yogurt and cottage cheese. It was a disaster. I guess the lesson I learnt from the last 2 weeks is that it really is a journey. A process. And just because you’ve gotten better at it, you’re never done. I thought the days of overeating and continuing to eat when I was already full were long behind me. Then came this holiday and I was right back where I’d started. I’d just like to have a 5 year old’s tantrum for a few brief moments. IT’S NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that I have to watch every bite that goes in my mouth. It’s not fair that I spend 2 hours a day in a gym and I’m still heavier than most of my friends. It’s not fair that Ben and Jerry’s doesn’t have at least 6 grams of fiber per serving. It’s not fair that it takes 24/7 work and perseverance and belief in yourself.

Ok – tantrum done. As is the binge eating. When I thought about it I was able to remind myself that 23 pounds is the first step on the road to 30, 50, and 100 pounds. I may still hate what I see in the mirror, but if I keep up the hard work, I won’t feel that way 6 months from now. Last night when the holiday was over, I headed straight to the gym and worked out until it closed at 11 pm. There was definitely something extremely rewarding about being the last person to leave the gym. I was BACK. Buff Rachel. Intense Rachel. Committed Rachel. This morning I had my healthy breakfast and headed to the gym for 3 hours. Fish and salad for lunch. I wasn’t going to overeat anymore. Because I didn’t like it. Because it didn’t make me feel good. Because I realized that even though in certain moments – food does taste better than being thin and in control feels – for the most part it just doesn’t. I have goals. I have vision. A burning passion to be in control, healthy and love myself. While J and T did make some incredible cheesecake, it wasn’t good enough to lose those dreams. So, project take back my life, lose 100 pounds and generally feel the world is a good place, is back on.

2004-05-10T19:05:00.000-04:00

ok people - for everyone who's been harassing me for the next post - you're gonna be sorry soon cuz this one's INTENSE. But before I begin with the deep insights and realizations that have occurred to me, I must pause to reflect on a Weight Watchers meeting moment. Last week's topic was all about quick weight loss schemes and not trying to lose too much weight too fast. Among other suggestions which I will not get into here (this blog is about HEALTHY weight loss :) my leader mentioned the use of saran wrap. Is anyone else out there wondering exactly what the connection between saran wrap and weight loss is? If you know the answer to this question, I will be HIGHLY disturbed. Apparently the latest weight loss trend is to wrap the body in saran wrap and then exercise, thereby causing severe sweating and dehydration. I hope this isn't the start of a movement and a book - the saran wrap revolution. It's sorta amusing, yet sorta sad.

ok, so on to more serious issues. As per last post, I have been doing the utmost to incorporate fun into the life of Rachel. Last week was A's birthday party. Went out to celebrate and of course had 3 long island iced teas simply because it was the right thing to do. After all my trainer insisted I start being social and having fun. I was just following orders. Had such a great time and realized how much I missed letting loose and having fun. Losing weight seriously is a full time job. It's important to take some time off every once in a while to remember that life isn't always quite that intense.

Also, don't think I wrote about it here - but changed personal trainers a few weeks back. long trauma but upon reflection, excellent decision. New trainer has lost like 120 pounds himself and I find that really helpful. But still loving R and we've stayed friends. There really are no words that can ever capture the gratitude I feel toward him for helping me believe in myself.

Which brings me to HUGE INSIGHT #1. We can make changes in ourselves. It seems simple and maybe we already believe this on some level. People think if I wanted to stop smoking, I could. If I wanted to do better in school and study harder, I could. But we don't do it. I think it's because deep down we doubt ourselves. We spend so much time focused on what we can't do. Imagine what life would be like if it was always about what we can do. I'm talking about the kind of self empowerment and self belief where we really believe we can make a change. Maimonides (medieval Jewish philosopher and all around really smart guy) says that the hardest thing to do is change one personality trait. I feel like I've changed about 3 million in the last 5 months. I've completely changed my attitude. I KNOW I can do ANYTHING. Never thought I was the kind of person who could wake up at 5:30 am to exercise. I was sure I was a night person. Guess who exercises every morning? I thought I couldn't bench press 50 pounds. I knew I couldn't do 2 minutes on the stairmaster. It was so hard to really believe I could push my body and accomplish my goals and now that I'm there, it's like there's nothing I can't do. I love my body - not yet for how it looks in jeans - but for what it does and how much stronger it gets every day. It doesn't let me down. It's amazing how you can train your body to do anything. I've worked so hard that now even if I have an awful night's sleep I can still do an hour of cardio. Can't is just out of my vocabulary. I've changed so much, I've become the judgmental person I hated so much just 5 months ago. I don't understand why everyone isn't going to the gym. Eating healthfully and taking care of their bodies. ok - maybe that last part isn't something to be proud of! But you get the idea - radical changes are possible - YOU JUST HAVE TO WANT IT BAD ENOUGH. I actually think I'm lucky to be overweight. Every day I go to the gym I am fighting for my physical and emotional health - that's motivation most thin people don't have.

HUGE INSIGHT #2 - had a long convo with X today. Interesting to talk about being overweight with a guy. In a lot of ways I think the experience is different than it is for a woman. But so much of what he said really resonated with me. He said being overweight isn't about liking food too much or hating exercise. It isn't only about being an emotional eater and continuing to eat when you're full. It's about needing to be fat for your own personal reasons. Dr. Phil says you're fat cuz you want to be. I was always like um, no I don't. But the truth is I think we do. X put it best - For me, being overweight was about hiding out. Not facing life. Not making choices. That's why I feel so good now, so light and free. It's not just about losing weight - it's about being honest. Making decisions. Knowing I'm worth it. I choose to embrace life, not avoid it. I choose to talk about my struggles and be open about my journey.

so - all success, all joy, all the time, right? not so much. There's always challenges. I feel I've changed my life and my eating habits and my food choices and I'd like my body to reflect those changes. I want 100 pounds gone right now. After all, I work hard enough. I'm certainly dedicated enough. Unfortunately the new me needs a little more time to show up on the outside. But I take comfort in the small changes. In the exercise accomplishments. In the fact that I've grown to love going to the gym so much, I use the gym as a reward to motivate myself to accomplish other chores. In the desserts left half eaten. In the myriad of compliments I receive each day. In knowing that I'm becoming more and more healthy every day. It isn't always perfect and I sometimes get frustrated -but my worst days now are infinitely better than my best days before I decided to change my life.

Took my own advice about doing something crazy and different - leaving to Beijing in 2 months to do the Trans Siberian Railroad to Moscow. Kinda freaked out but really excited. Feeling like I'm in a radically different place in my life and ready to try something super-challenging.

so that's what's been on my mind...
oh and btw - I've lost 21 pounds, but that almost seems besides the point...

2004-04-29T18:42:00.000-04:00

ENJOY THE JOURNEY

fitting into clothes that were too small...feels good
being able to throw food out when I'm full...feels great
getting compliments on my weight loss...lovin it
learning to like the person in the mirror...priceless

Accomplishments for this week - the brown skirt fits, went to Ben and Jerry's free scoop day and threw out my cone after three bites, did 30 minutes on the evil stairmachine at the gym, lost 2 more pounds for a total of 19 pounds.

But honestly, none of that comes close to the most important thing I learnt this week. Life is alot better when you're happy. Ok, maybe that was a little too simplified. I guess what I mean is that maybe all that crap everyone has been telling me about how losing weight won't help you like yourself is actually true. As I said last week, I think you need to be intensely focused in order to achieve your goal. You gotta want it bad. really bad. But life goes beyond the goal. When your only focus is the gym and how much fiber you've consumed on a given day - besides becoming a really boring, flatulent, person - you've just traded in one obsession for another. Instead of obsessing about what you're gonna eat, you're obsessing about what you're not eating.

I read a book this week - called Passing for Thin. Woman lost 170 pounds using Overeaters Anonymous. Thought it would be inspiring and motivating. Not so much. This woman viewed food as the enemy, a necessary evil - something to be avoided when possible and certainly something sinful to enjoy. Her whole life was focused on what she didn't eat and she truly was unhappy. While talking about her journey and her struggle and her supposed eventual success, I never once pictured her as a smiling person. I don't want to be that. I want to be strong, and hardworking. I want to be funny, caring, spontaneuous and quirky. Intelligent and successful. Losing 170 pounds is a tremendous accomplishment - but at what cost? I've waited 27 years to take control of my life and change some seriously ingrained habits. If I need to wait a few more months till I reach my goals - it's worth it if I'm having fun in the process. So as of today - psycho scary intense gym Rachel is being replaced with hardworking, has a life outside of the gym but is happy, Rachel. If you see me at the gym at 6 am - it just means old Rachel has reared her ugly head :) I want success - so bad I can taste it - but I can't live life waiting to be happy only when I reach the goal.

So here's to a healthy appreciation of where I am now and what I've accomplished so far. I am a totally new person than I was December 1, 2003. I believe I will lose 100 pounds, it's just a matter of a time. I believe I can do anything - my body can do anything. I enjoy testing that theory. Nothing feels as good as pushing yourself to your physical limits. I eat more fish then Eskimoes (they do eat alot of fish, no? ) I actually prefer multi grain bread. I never keep eating when I'm full. (ok, we'll change that to rarely :) People actually look to me for motivation and inspiration. I'm rediscovering my collarbone. After 4 years of membership at the same gym, I've started to feel like I belong. I'm not an overweight guest using a machine. I know how to use quite a few of them and spend more time there than most people. I set goals, I meet them, I work hard, I don't make excuses. I am more honest with myself than I have ever been. I take care of myself. I speak up for myself. I recognize my shortcomings and work on fixing them instead of berating myself. Damn, I rock!

I end with 2 quotes that sums up how I'm feeling perfectly - "LIVE YOUR LIFE EACH DAY as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance toward the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point. Climb slowly, steadily, enjoying each passing moment; and the view from the summit will serve as a fitting climax for the journey." -HAROLD V. MELCHERT

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
-Buddha

2004-04-22T17:56:00.000-04:00

Top six things I’ve learnt this week

Yes, it’s been one of those weeks. The kind where everything becomes a lot clearer. Sorta like having 10 years of therapy and realizations in the space of a few days. So I thought I’d share some of the wisdom I gained about myself, about others and about the joys of trying on pants that have never once actually fit you.

1) We’ll start with the pants since that was clearly the high point of my week so far. Woke up yesterday, did the daily weigh in and then tried on a pair of pants from the back of the closet. Now this particular pair of pants had never actually been worn before. It was one of those purchases where they were just the tiniest bit too small, but I bought them convinced that they would fit soon. Incidentally, every guy who I’ve told that story to can not seem to wrap his mind around why a person would ever buy clothes that don’t fit. Yet every girl nods with total understanding. It makes perfect sense to them why a person would spend their hard earned money on a garment which will remain hung in a closet for months (or forever). After all it’s an incentive to start dieting. And what if they don’t have your size? Clearly it’s better to have a smaller size in the closet torturing you than to walk out of the store with out that beautiful skirt. But anyway, back to my moment of extreme joy. Put on the pants and….they fit! And not like zipped up but cutting off circulation kind of fitting. Could I be any skinnier? Um, I don’t think so.
Lesson 1 – nothing will ever taste as good as smaller pants feel.

2) Lesson number 2:

a) sometimes people don’t get it
b) sometimes people REALLY don’t get it
c) maybe, just maybe that’s ok.

People say rude things. People make judgments. People are hurtful and sometimes don’t even realize it. An overweight friend just told me that a male friend of hers was checking out a girl in front of her and called her fat and therefore inferior. How are people so insensitive? And then my trainer told me that he thinks losing 10 pounds and losing 100 pounds are pretty much the same thing. Um, not so much. Not that I don’t fully support the effort of achieving a size 2, but losing 100 pounds is about transforming your entire sense of self. Transforming your appearance and working through no less than 27 million psychological issues. People are harsh and judgmental. A friend even had the courage to admit to me that before reading my blog he really had an impatience with overweight people. After all he reasoned, he had never struggled with weight as a thin person, and he didn’t understand why overweight people didn’t just do something about it. But maybe we’re all quick to judge about certain things. Many of us have tried to change a habit or behavior of a loved one. We all think we know the right way to live. We all make assumptions and we are all incapable of truly understanding someone else’s pain. The best we can do is surround ourselves with people who love us as we are. And secretly sneak butter into all meals we prepare for smug, thin people.

3) I most definitely think the reality TV show called “The Swan” is quite possibly the most destructive force in society today. Forget Janet Jackson’s breast or the Abercrombie and Fitch kiddie porn catalogue. Have people seen that show? It literally pains me to describe. Women are given total body makeovers with full body plastic surgery, cosmetic dentistry work, and personal training. They are “worked on” for 3 months without being given the opportunity to look in a mirror. They are then paraded in front of millions of people on TV while they see themselves in a mirror for the first time. They have total breakdowns and exclaim happily, “I look nothing like myself (which they don’t) I’m beautiful.” Wow. What a healthy self esteem message. And 25 million viewers. We Americans are proud to support the notion that the only path toward self acceptance and beauty is radical makeovers. Then our husbands will love us, we will feel attractive and our lives will generally suck less. Seems to work for these women. As if I haven’t internalized that message enough already. But do I turn the TV off? Of course not. I’m paralyzed with eyes glued to the screen and actually crying. I will keep tuning in until I find out who amongst all these makeovers contestants wins the beauty pageant known as “The Swan.”

4) There’s more to me than being fat. I know, sounds crazy. Should be obvious. But it isn’t. Had a friend who said to me, “My entire identity is being fat. It’s who I am.” My first thought is how sad is that. My second is that’s exactly how I feel. How I’ve felt for so long. Saying “fat is bad” is a personal attack on my very being. Do I know I have good qualities? Of course. Do they matter at all? Not even a little. Time for that to change. Welcome to my journey toward success and happiness. Losing the most important defining characteristic of yourself. Truly believing in the good things about yourself. And you thought putting the Haagen Daaz down was hard. Like I said in the very first post – eating right and exercising are so not the real battle.

5) I am my own harshest critic. We all are. I detest fat. I look down on fat people. Wow – bet you thought I wasn’t this serious when I posted a few weeks ago that it’s all about honesty. This is the most important lesson of all. Starting today that’s my number one project to work on – lose the harshness and the critical nature. It helps no one. Separate my sense of self from being overweight. And be so thankful that the only thing I really don’t like about myself is something I can change. How lucky is that? I’ll get back to you on the progress of these goals.

6) And finally, for all those who have told me they find this blog inspiring and motivating – I will share with you the single most important weight loss secret. It isn’t low carbs or starvation or exercising 3 times a day. (not that those things won’t help :) Look yourself in the mirror and ask how badly do I want this? Do I really really want to lose weight? Do I want it more that I’ve ever wanted anything else in my life? Am I willing to focus on this goal every single second of every single minute of every single day. Am I honestly prepared to look like a totally different person? Am I open to change and variety and giving a new kind of life a try? If not, it’s ok! Fat is safe. And comfortable. There’s a lot of work that goes on in your head before you can even approach the gym and your diet. I’ve been working out for 3 years. I’ve been fat for about 20. But I’m telling you once you make the decision to make a change, it’s “easy.” It’s like any other project in your life that takes hard work. You will get results. At least 20 times a day I repeat to myself, “How badly do you want it?” That is my mantra. When I’m setting the alarm for 5:30 am. When I’m waking up at 5:30 am. When I get on the subway and it’s still dark. When I get on the elliptical machine. When I’m 52 minutes into my cardio routine. When my friends want to go out for lunch. When someone pisses me off. When I pass Ben and Jerry’s. When I’m challenged and face a setback.

How badly do I want it? More than you’ll ever know. 17 pounds gone and one pair of pants reclaimed from the back of the closet – impossible is just wrong.

Like I said, long week…
T, M, and E – thanx for dinner last night.

-Rachel

2004-04-16T15:43:00.000-04:00

ok - it's the moment you've all been waiting for. I have returned from sunny Florida and am ready to discuss the feeding frenzy that was Passover vacation. I've come to the realization that anyone who has not been to a hotel for Passover has no capability of understanding the sheer volume of food consumed in a mere eight days. You've got to wonder if our forefathers on their way out of Egypt were topping their matza with prime rib, briscuit, duck and kosher for passover brownies. I feel like not so much. Yet every year my family goes to a hotel for the Passover holiday to spend time together, get some sun, relax and consume no less than 8,000 calories a day. Funny, I thought Passover was the holiday famous for NOT being able to eat certain foods. No bread, rice, pasta, doughnuts - that's a good 5 pound weight loss right there. Yet somehow we manage to rack up an average daily consumption of 3-4 pieces of kosher for passover sponge cake - it's like gaining weight while visiting your mother-in-law who doesn't know how to boil water. It's just wrong! So, how does it happen? How does everyone come back from Passover break with none of their clothes fitting and weight loss resolutions the likes of which haven't been seen since Jan 1?

Let me introduce you to life at the Passover hotel. In the morning you wake up. You could exercise. Walk on the beach or the boardwalk. But you have a very important commitment this morning. And it isn't prayer or spending time with grandma. You have to get down to the dining room for breakfast. The nice waiter is just sitting there waiting for you to come down and he makes the cutest little omelettes while you watch. Today you vow to have only egg whites and only three pieces of matza and cream cheese. Since after all, you are on a weight loss program. Of course since breakfast (as all meals) is a 2 hour affair, the next thing you know you've also had some yogurt, some cheese and sure, why not - pass on over a piece of sponge cake. (really, the stuff is NASTY) No worries. You're gonna be active after breakfast. Head down to the beach. But wait. It's 11 am and lunch starts in an hour. No sense going all the way to the beach when you're just going to have to come back to the hotel. So you head to the tea room to read a book. The tea room for all those not in the know is a room that is open 24/7 with snacks and drinks because there is a serious concern that all hotel guests never go hungry. In order to make sure that in the 1.2 hours between meals people will have a way to satisfy those sponge cake cravings. But you're not going to eat. You're just gonna read your book until lunch. Wait. Are those chocolate covered jellies!?!?! yummm.... ok but only one or two. I don't think I even need to tell you how that part of the story ends. You've now made it to lunch. Everyone is excited to sit down and talk about what they did this morning. People - noone has done anything except eat! We just left breakfast an hour ago. No problem. Lunch is buffet. I have a good GRE analogy to describe my thoughts on this.

Buffet : overeater
trap: mouse

It's evil. Truly evil. There is no way to escape. I firmly believe if G-d himself were at these lunches, He or She would have said, I know I'm supposed to be perfect, but DAMN THIS BRISCUIT IS GOOD! So you do your best. You've made a commitment to only fill your plate once and not go back to the buffet table. After all you are on a weight loss program. You wonder if that weight loss tip works if the food is stacked about half a foot high with the potato salad perched precariously on top of the 8 slices of prime rib. But you decide not to stress about it. After all you're only going to eat a light dinner, so you need to fill up. Needless to say lunch finished at 5 and dinner begins at 8. You are LITERALLY still full from lunch. Like can't move full. Like adjusted the notch on your belt full. But noone ever skips meals at Passover hotels. That would be like your parents telling you it's ok to be single. Or a frozen yogurt store giving a truthful calorie count for its products. It just never happens. So you force yourself to go to dinner. Someone needs to expain to me why there are three courses before the main course. At one dinner - they served fish, soup, meatball appetizer and then the main course. I think I skipped the main course that night - good thing the tea room would be open later on. You trudge upstairs from a hard day's work and wonder how it was that you spent more hours eating then sleeping. That's it - tomorrow morning you're hitting the boardwalk at 6 am - that should give you plenty of time to shower and change before breakfast.

Of course any similarities between the above narrative and my own passover experience are purely coincidental. :) But seriously - it was tough. Really tough. Hardest challenge since I started my new and improved way of life and eating in January. Alot of people say it's in your control. You choose to overeat or not. Perhaps that's true. But I firmly believe there are times when it so isn't your choice. When something within you takes over and you just can't stop. Had a few of those this Pesach and I had thought those moments were behind me. It was humbling to realize that no matter how strong and how motivated I was and how hard I tried to fight, I was no match for the passover hotel experience. But I know that I did alot of things right. and I forgive myself. It's true what they say - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Watching myself overeat and reminding myself what it felt like to be out of control reminded me that it's not a place I want to be. Reminded me that no food ever tastes as good as seeing that scale go down feels. I came back this week 100 times more motivated and committed to my goals. I dare say the last 2 weeks have actually aided me in my weight loss effort. That was a shock. (maybe I should write a diet book - stuff yourself for a week until you're nauseated by how much you've eaten, and you'll never eat again :) I also realized the envy never goes away. There will always be skinny people eating more than you and not gaining an ounce. There will always be people who have no food issues and see a buffet as a harmless, innocent display of food. The trick is to simply despise these people and move on with your life. But seriously - you can't let that bring you down. As a friend in my WW meeting said - for all you know they could be shooting up heroin in their room after lunch. Not such a stretch if you know my family...And people will also be rude and insensitive. One cousin overheard me talking about dieting with someone at his table, and actually said to me, "you should just have your stomach stapled, get it done with and move on." Wow, thanx for reminding me why I wasn't talking about this with YOU. and if I hear my lovely aunt tell me one more time, "You have such a beautiful face, if only...." Let's just say she's lucky she's in her eighties, cuz I've been learning some killer moves in kickboxing class. Like I said, what doesn't kill you...Passover survived, next battle, Shavuot - holiday of cheesecake.

Down to one pound less than pre-Passover weight - Impossible is a dare!

2004-04-02T16:13:00.000-05:00

well, enough humor - time for a serious post. Because as much as it's important to laugh and to keep a sense of humor about the weight loss process, the bottom line is it's really tough. And when I say tough I don't just mean calculus exam tough. We're talking about, found out my best friend slept with my boyfriend, tough. Had a long heart to heart with T last night and realized what changed for me in the last 4 months. One word - honesty. There's so much in life we're dishonest about. To ourselves and others. We're unhappy with our jobs, our relationships, ourselves. But we ignore it in the hopes that things will change. We know we're drinking too much, eating too much or gambling too much. We know we're not achieving our potential and that we were created for so much more than this. And yet we wake up every morning and force ourselves to do the same things we didn't enjoy yesterday. Worse than this, we can't even admit we're unhappy. In 27 years of being overweight and unhappy with myself, I never once turned to a single other human being and said, "I'm overweight and I don't like myself." As my friends will attest to, I have all the balls a person could ask for. I'll stand up to anyone, travel the world on my own and defend my beliefs and passions louder than almost anyone else. Yet on this one issue, I was a timid mess. I think people sometimes look at fat people and say they must be ok with how they look because if they weren't, they would just lose weight. Well I wasn't ok. I was out of control. And embarassed. and afraid to ask for help. Afraid to admit that there was something wrong with me (as if people couldn't tell!) In the last few months, I think the single most important shift in my recent behaviors has NOT been exercising more. Or eating healthier. It hasn't been getting a personal trainer or joining Weight Watchers. It's been being open with friends and family about my weight. Talking about my weight loss and my goals and my feelings. While only 1 or 2 friends will ever truly understand how I feel, the rest have proven to be an incredible support system. Helped me realize that this goal is like any other. It takes hard work, involves setbacks, people letting you down, and you letting yourself down. Belief in yourself is the single most important factor in determining your success. Everyone has their own methods and their individual approach to success. What I think we all have in common is a singleminded focus on the goal. The superbowl ring, the wimbledon trophy, the elusive 6th consecutive win in the Tour de France. Every moment, every day, even if I'm eating Haagen Daaz, I know it's going to happen. I am a new person. As my favorite quote says, "if you want something you've never had, you'll need to do something you've never done." Take a chance. Travel somewhere alone, post your resume on monster.com or dye your hair pink. You only get this life once - how sad to spend even a second dissatisfied, unhappy or believing that you can do better? 15 pounds gone, impossible is a dare!

2004-03-23T15:30:00.000-05:00

this one's for Elisheva - my biggest fan...
Today's topic is - "This wasn't in the brochure - top 7 things noone ever told you about the gym"

7) Alot of people who go to gyms are actually in shape. I know this should not register such surprise. Smart people are in Phd programs, nerds are in chess club, and buff people are at the gym sweating and burning calories like their lives depend on it. However, for some reason I was under the ridiculous assumption that there might just be a few other obese people in the gym besides myself. Um, not so much. Here's the truth people. With the exception of the first two weeks in January, there are no fat people in the gym. ok maybe that's a slight exageration. But on the whole, the gym is not a place where fat people get skinnier; it's a place where skinny people go to get those bodies you desperately envy. And make no mistake, no matter what cardio machine you get on, the person on the machine next to you will be a marathon runner or close enough. You start off thinking to yourself, wow I'm walking at a pretty impressive 3.2 miles an hour. You glance over to the next machine and can't help but notice the lingerie model doing the stairmaster at the highest level without breaking a sweat. And let me just conclude with this - to the girl on the stairmaster who was wearing the black thong under the white shorts last week - girlfriend, that was the trashiest thing I've ever seen, but when I get your body, I'll be wearing that outfit to synagogue.

6) the women's locker room is really like an alternate universe. I sometimes wonder what possesses people to have no sense of self consciousness. Granted, I have body image issues and am not the biggest fan of walking from my locker to the shower totally naked. And I can see how there are those who might be more comfortable with this. But must you blow dry your hair in the nude as well? Also, I'm not so into chatting in the steam room. Let me be frank about this one. I'm naked, you're naked and we don't know each other - I really don't think this is the time to strike up a friendly chat. If you really want to get to know me a little better, maybe after we're dressed we can grab a cup of coffe. But for now please let me steam my pores in silence.

5) the classes - ah - group exercise classes at the gym. Where to start? First of all - NEVER stand in the front of the room. Even if there's nowhere else to stand. There's a reason that spot is still available. It's the place where everyone can see you as you continually mess up all the teacher's instructions. It's also the place where the concerned and dedicated teacher can see you and kindly point out all the things you're doing wrong. Second, never take a class whose title doesn't sufficiently explain what the class is about. For instance, boxing or step aerobics I would say are pretty safe. Just searched my gym's website and came up with a class called "body attack." This one I would recommend avoiding. Also, certain classes require checking your inhibition at the door - if you're the kind of person who needs 3 beers before approaching that cute guy in a bar, I would stay away from african dance and hip hop funk. Above all - remember that noone's watching you - not even those guyz standing by the see through glass walls and pointing at you.

4) the grunters - you know those guyz. The men who are at the gym no matter what time you get there - 6am or 10 pm. I call them the grunters because they seem unable to life weights without grunting as if they are in a very painful state of constipation. My thoughts on this? If you can't lift something without sounding like an alien life force is taking over your body, you probably shouldn't lift it.

3) You may not be in pain now, but it will hurt later. Weight lifting's most important rule. You think everything's fine. You're telling your trainer there's no reason you can't bench press at least another 50 pounds. You're Arnold Schwartzeneger and ain't nothing gonna slow you down. Then you get home. You can't seem to raise your hands in the shower to wash your hair - too much pain. Sitting down to go to the bathroom is your own personal hell. You vow to never do another squat. A little advice - next time your trainer says, "Is this weight heavy enough?" The proper response is NOT, "what do I look like a 10 year old girl? Give me some real weight!"

2) The personal trainer. (Disclaimer - Rog, if you're reading this - you know I love you :) Clearly an invention of some twisted people. Probably the same guy who created spiked high heeled shoes and corsets. I mean what was the thought process here? I have an idea. Let's create this job where you get to yell at people all day. You get to keep saying things like, "WE are gonna do 50 squats now" and "come on, WE only have 5 lunges left!" Um, are *WE* gonna keel over and writhe in pain on the floor now? oh wait, that would be just ME. When you don't have a trainer, you wonder in amazement at all the people who do. You try to comprehend why anyone would pay money to inflict torture on themsleves. How anyone could ever be that committed to the gym. You hear the clients begging for mercy and say "that will never be me." Then you hire a trainer. All of the sudden you're obsessed with fitness and your trainer's advice. You find yourself at cocktail parties saying things like, "yes the assasination of the leader of Hamas may be deleterious to peace in the Middle East, but did you know that working out at 65%-85% of your maximum heart rate is the best way to burn fat?" When your friend reaches for a Krispy Kreme donut, you casually remark, "since when have you started eating poison for lunch? Hey, don't let me stop you. It's your body and you have the right to put whatever you want in it - even if it's going to clog your arteries, cause a massive heart attack and eventually kill you." You have become one of them. There is no turning back.

1) and now for my biggest pet peeve - you're not going to believe this one. My gym (which shall remain nameless) seems to think that the best method of enticing new members on special promotion days, is distributing chocolate. No joke. They distribute flyers, put up posters and then leave a big bowl of chocolate by the membership office. In my humble opinion, this is like distributing "right to life" literature to the prisoner being led to the electric chair. Or handing out free condoms at a seminar for priests. Do I look like I need chocolate? And even if I do, do you think it's your job to give it to me? This is my thinking - it's all part of a nefarious plan. Feed us chocolate, we gain weight, we feel guilty, we pay obscene sums of money for gym membership, we never actually go to gym, the gym profits, we fail to cancel membership since it is common knowledge that simply owning a membership is the number one factor in successful weight loss regardless of actual gym attendance. Who do you think wins here? STAY AWAY FROM THE CHOCOLATE, PEOPLE.

2004-03-17T05:59:00.000-05:00

Well, my very first post on my very first blog. thanx josh for all the "technical" help. A little introduction - I'm 27 living in NYC and generally no more or less insane than your average person. 3 months ago I started an intense weight loss program and recently decided I needed a place to vent. About skinny people who eat pints of ice cream at a time and say "I'm so fat." About gym towels that barely wrap around one thigh. About how much I want fettucini aflredo all the time. and about how truly hard it is to lose weight. Made a decision 3 months ago that I wanted to change my life, lose weight, be healthy and start really liking myself. Should have just added "climb mt everest, seduce the Pope and only check email once a day" on to my "simple things to do" list. To be fair, in some ways it's been remarkably easy. Going to the gym every day has been a cinch. Making healthier food choices was surprisingly do-able as well. Dealing with feelings, not murdering all skinny people, and not thoroughly pissing off my trainer proved to be far more difficult tasks. I've also become slightly obsessive. Anyone else out there have an extremist personality? You know the one where you either go to the gym twice a day or not at all? watch no tv at all or sit down and the next thing you know you've watched 5 hours of Law and Order reruns in a row? So of course I overdid it at the gym and achieved the envious goal of sloths everywhere - overtraining. can we talk about that? There's actually a real, official condition called overtraining. It means going to the gym TOO MUCH. The 60% of Americans who are overweight, the 20% who are obese and the 99% who believe Haagen Daaz pints are 1 serving, are all shaking their heads in disbelief. But it's true. So turns out it isn't only about heart. Or about motivation. It's about obstacles and setbacks and gyms full of skinny people. It's about seeing your thin self underneath it all, when you realize noone else can. It's about getting over the anger at those who judge you for how you look and leaving the house every day with your carrot sticks, your 2 liter bottle of water and your gym sneakers. 10 pounds gone so far. Impossible is a dare.